ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

Hi Auntie,
I’m a 24-year-old working woman, who is struggling with different scenarios in my life. My mother is a single parent and we are five siblings, with I being the only one with a job. My mother doesn’t love me at all but, at the same time, expects a lot from me and says that I should hand over my salary to her.
I have completed my master’s and I am happy with whatever I have, but she always says that people with my qualifications have higher salaries. She abuses and hits me whenever I refuse to give her extra money, while my siblings don’t give her a single rupee for household chores. She says that I should be grateful to her for allowing me to go to work and that I should spend as much as I can on her. My office is far from my residence and I travel through local transport, but I still manage to come home and cook food for all of us.
I don’t have time for myself during the weekend because I’m supposed to clean the house. I don’t hate my mother, but I also don’t love her, because I don’t feel that she loves me. She always cares for my brothers and spends her money on them and buys stuff for them, while she never asks if I need something.
I am also studying for the CSS exam, and I always end up crying because of my mother’s behaviour towards me. I’m thinking of moving to a hostel, but she would never allow me to do that. She also accuses me of having an affair and, when I tell her she can check my phone and laptop, she starts to hit and abuse me, saying that I’m arguing.
Secondly, there is this cousin of my mother who is staying at our house and he tries to come closer to me whenever I’m sleeping. He also goes to my room and puts condom packets in my bag. I tried to discuss this with my brother but he ignored it. I don’t feel like getting married, because all men are like my brothers and mother’s cousin. I feel like ending my life but then I think that it’s haram.
Challenged
Dear Challenged,
I’m sorry for the challenges you are facing. Your safety must come first. Your mother’s cousin is abusive, and it’s crucial to talk to a trusted friend, relative or a helpline. If necessary, don’t hesitate to involve the police through the women protection cells. If you can, collect evidence against the harasser, such as the things he leaves behind (don’t touch them too much), and by taking pictures and videos discreetly (be very careful while doing this) and documenting the incidents. 
Moving to a hostel could provide you with the safety and peace you need. It will be a huge leap of faith, given how family-oriented our culture is, but your well-being is more important. Start saving what you can and plan your transition to a safer environment.
It’s also important to set financial boundaries with your mother. While you can contribute, explain that you also need to save for your own future. If it’s difficult to talk to her directly, involve another relative or family friend as a mediator. When it comes to the household, discuss the responsibilities with your siblings and see if they can help. It might take time, but every small step could ease your burden.
Focusing on your CSS exam is vital for your future. Make it clear to your family that you need time for this and, if studying at home isn’t ideal, consider going to a library or another quiet place.
You might also want to talk to a therapist or counsellor to help you cope. And if you can afford it, I encourage you to go for it. Your life and future are valuable and seeking support is an important step in taking care of yourself.
Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: [email protected]
Published in Dawn, EOS, October 13th, 2024